It's OKAY not to be OKAY

Hello, world! It’s ME, Amanda, and it’s time to have a heart to heart again! 

It’s been over two years since I wrote my last blog post and that is two years too long! For me, there is some form of comfort in writing as it releases my emotions/desires into the universe to then take action from it!

I know I can speak for many in that 2020 wasn't what we expected it to be, but I’m beyond grateful for the journey it has led me on. The growth comes between the negative entities that you can transfer into positive fuel to move forward with!

I ended 2019 with a bang, literally a BANG OF EMOTIONS! It all started when the universe literally wanted me to slow down and face demons I had been burying for so many years. The weight of my past traumas was pushed WAY beyond to the back burner granting me without any surface thoughts due to my busy hectic schedule. 

My WHY has always been and always will be to help people be their best selves and be truly happy with who they are! Yet the emotional baggage I was holding onto without even realizing was weighing down on me. It was completely unhealthy and ultimately holding me back from moving forward to be my best self! Subconsciously, I held onto the grief of not forgiving myself for traumas that happened to me that were out of my control.

In December, I was a survivor of a bad car accident and I am blessed to be here and to tell my story. Along with past injuries, I obtained new injuries that truly tested all of ME and beyond! I was scared and lost but knew I would get through it. Heck, when I was 19, I learned how to walk and dance again after back surgery! I had to believe in myself more than ever! 

Although on top of that, there was new evidence brought to my attention from a burglary that happened to my home five years ago. This reassured me that the person who I thought did it, in-fact did the crime! Seeing pictures of past belongings wasn’t easy. The occurrence left me feeling emotionally raped for a long time and left the burden on myself without even realizing I was. It felt like such a weird outer box experience having evidence of the truth of that day. I felt like I was looking down on myself in the moment rather than being there in the moment.

I became mad at myself all over again and realizing this was deeper than I imagined! I felt broken especially because my body just hurt, I was unable to dance and move to express myself and release what I was feeling! 

Teaching my classes was my only sanity and I did it for my community! It was the only time that nothing else matters and I felt at home! When I wasn’t teaching, I was miserable! I cried all the time and barely did my hair, makeup or got dressed in my normal clothes. Not to mention, nothing felt comfortable on me. Throwing in the towel and knowing I needed help to be me again, I resorted to seeing a therapist. I believe therapy is such a beautiful and powerful resource! To have someone solely to be for you and guide you find the answers for you and move on. To give clarity and address matters to be our best selves! I knew I couldn’t help anyone if my own tank wasn’t full!

I went to therapy for a few months and then the pandemic hit. I had come to terms that I needed to heal Amanda before Amanda Fantastic could be there for the world! 

The pandemic forced me to sit in my feelings and understand that it was time to forgive myself! To let go of all the hurt, pain, loss and violation and focus on the fact that I’m here! 

I’m here and more than ok! I literally spent days starring in the mirror saying, “Amanda I forgive you” while crying my eyes out until I believed it, until I was able to hug myself to grow and move on! 

My closure is my chance to live my life and the person who did it has to live with their life which is not my problem or concern. In wasn’t until June when I took a step back from everything, I was FINALLY able to closure a long chapter and focused on healing my body to take on beautiful new chapters that I been eagerly waiting for the opportunity to partake in!

Life is completely different than the start of 2020 but what I gained from it is so valuable! I can only speak for myself and know I am a lucky one! With the past in the past, I accomplished things I been putting off to the side because of time and other excuses that were purely excuses. During these past months I became Amanda again; a more refined stronger Amanda. I wouldn’t change that for the world! 

Plus I got creative by creating a new program, Fantastic Sass, becoming a Certified 305 Fitness instructor and a Certified Happiness Life Coach! All I can say is I AM SO BEYOND PROUD OF MYSELF!

To sum this up, YOU can do ANYTHING you set your mind too!! Asking for help is not a sign of weakness rather the most courageous thing you can do for yourself! YOU are ALWAYS WORTH the time, energy and investment! Happiness comes for you and only YOU can grant that for yourself! 

It’s okay not to be okay, and not have everything together all the time. We are humans and sometimes we need to have empathy on ourselves. It’s ok to not have all the answers!  As long as you know you are HERE, your purpose in this world will ALWAYS be STRONG and will find your way!