Dear YOU

Dear YOU,

I understand that you made the decision to make a text your outlet to speak your truth, but now it’s my turn to take my POWER back and speak MY TRUTH!

I am still trying to process a text that changed it all. How can the person who has full force been a part of my life COMPLETELY for almost 2 months be the same person who wrote such a heartbreaking text just 9 days ago!? How it can it go from, "You are my future and everything I have been dreaming of" to “We are too different”? Not even a conversation, just a text that allows no room for discussion or commutation. Leaving me stifled, disappointed, unsettled, blinded and simply heartbroken! 

On the flip side I do give you credit in that you didn't ghost me and shared your personal inner struggles you are trying/dealing with. That does speak volumes and understand in the same respect that it wasn’t easy to do so. I do believe you are a good person, but I cannot deny that it hurt me in how it was handled. You didn't just date yourself and feel it should have been a two sided in person conversation. One that we discussed, evaluated and were able to move forward with a resolution that we both felt was best together.

I spent 4 days consuming my time trying to be supportive of you and be there for you when your work was so overwhelming that it consumed you to go "dark" on me out of nowhere. Not being an anxious or overwhelmed person, I was trying to have empathy for you. Checking in once a day to let you know I am here and behind you every step of the way. Making sure you knew I was still into us 100%. Putting my feelings aside, respecting that you were telling the truth that it was genuinely solely work that had been overbearing for you. Granted I work 6/7 days a week and my free time is extremely limited, sending a text takes two seconds. A simple "Hey! I am having a crazy day again but wanted to wish you a great day! Talk soon!" is what you do when someone is important to you. Especially so early on. You didn't do that at all! I knew something wasn’t right with us but tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I held back from saying something to not add anymore stress to you because I cared about you. Your first 2 days you replied hours later after my check in text with something that felt cold and then didn't answer for 2 days until your final text. I am not dumb; when you want someone in your life, it doesn't matter how damn busy you are, you find the time. Not to mention being with someone means you work together when things get hard and would want them there for support. You pushed me away and it was all about YOU!

How could something that was so real, pure and natural be left with you weren’t being your "authentic self"? I don’t know what is more disheartening - that you couldn’t be honest with me, that it could possibly have all been a lie,that you decided you made a decision for me or that you just don't know me at ALL! What was real and what was disingenuous?

How could you tell someone:

“You are my dream girl.”

“I've been manifesting you.”

“I know it’s soon but I see you in my future.”

“I never smile in pictures but you make me smile.”

"I want to make you smile and love making you smile." 

“I never felt this way before.”

“The first time you texted me I saw a shooting star.”

“We are connected and on the same page.”

"Not pushing or saying anything about the possibility of the future but a lot of it aligns for us so far."

“Felt like your body told me what to do.”

“I know it’s soon but I’m falling for you.” 

Followed by, "I wasn’t my 'authentic self'.” Are you FRICKEN KIDDING ME!? Claiming I “shot my shot” when in fact you pursued me! You knew “the moment I laid eyes on you I knew you were something special." Remembering everything about me, what I say and even what I wore to a tee when you met me initially 13 years ago! So grateful we reconnected now because you weren’t in a good place then and such a better person now! Working towards your purpose of helping people which aligns with my same purpose! Yet your text conflicts with “my personality bringing a healed side of you that isn’t fully there." Call me crazy but isn’t one of the greatest gifts of being with someone having them influence you to be your best self?

I followed your lead and trusted the person who was presented to me! A person who the signs and universe were directing me to with full force! The 347 connection is not only our birthdays but brought more meaning to our first kiss! Not to mention the 222! HELLO that wasn’t a coincidence! The sparkle and magic that grew EVERY SINGLE TIME we kissed and even when you simply held my hand. How you always touched my thigh when you were next to me, especially in the car - I got butterflies! How you opened the car door for me. Paid attention to the little details! Even when I said there was condensation on my water bottle - without hesitation you grabbed a napkin to stop it. A sense of home and safety in your arms. Your forehead kisses made me feel protected! Your “Good Morning baby” texts were the HIGHLIGHT of my day! Brought a smile to let me know I was the first thing you thought of when you woke up. Meeting your family after two weeks of dating and saying how you never bring girls home (Another 2 connection). Feeling like I belonged and a part of your family! Never a doubt and never a question that you were all about me and it was something REAL! I am left wondering was all that an act or genuine actions? 

I wasn't in this alone and it's really selfish to solely think of yourself in this matter. You claim that I wouldn't accept you for who you are based on out-of-context discussions and assuming I would judge you because I am "different from you." In fact this proves you didn't know me at all. Actions speak louder than words and that is a reflection of the confidence within yourself.  I have no doubt in my mind that if you would have had a normal adult in-person conversation things would have taken another path. Yes we are different and I thought that was INCREDIBLE! We aren't the same people and that is what makes us who we are and something to be valued! It is ok not to be the same. My closest friends are in completely different stages of their lives than me and we don't enjoy all the same hobbies/interests. The main important entity is the bonuses we bring to each other's lives and embrace, support & value each other! Yet on the flip side you failed to realize we do have common grounds such as our corny personalities, interest in traveling the world, sharing the same purpose in life, having similar values/thoughts about religion & life in general. (Remember your face lit up with happiness when we spoke about this!) I cannot move past the fact that you made assumptions about me and how I would react to items that aren't part of my own lifestyle, hobbies and interests. I am upset & taken back that you would ever think I would judge you. Instead you judged me and that demeans my character as a person. 

I am always open to learning about new things as with knowledge I could have a new appreciation for it. It may not be my thing but doesn't mean I wouldn't support your passions and beliefs - as those are yours! When you are with someone you expose yourself to new things that make your partner happy. Heck, you may grow to enjoy it too! Love is the selfless act to make your partner happy! You never know it could have grown into something you learn and explore together! The beauty of being in a relationship among many other aspects of it. 

I appreciate you sharing your most recent trauma and although I never experienced that exact insistence I have empathy for your situation. We all have relationship/dating traumas and it sucks! As difficult as those experiences are, what matters the most is how you react, learn, grow and move forward! Being burned is a hard pill to swallow and never goes away; you just adapt to a different mindset with it to go on. I myself had walls up before I started dating you from my past and extremely protective of my heart. I get it isn't easy to talk about but if you were still freshly healing why never bring it up? I am not one to ask about people's past relationships because it is in the past and has nothing to do with me. I am not your exs and you are not my exs! The difference is I pushed all that aside because I felt something real and followed my heart! There is never a perfect time for anything but when it's right you just know and there is nothing that can stop you! If you weren't ready, why did you ask me out? You said, and I quote, "What are your plans this weekend? I would really enjoy meeting this fantastic version of Amanda." You shot the shot.

My gut is screaming that you are scared and weren't ready for the side of you that I brought out within you. Scared of what was going on and what we could have become. We got serious extremely quick but we both played a role in that. It felt right and I don't regret that. All I have to go off of is my gut and it has never steered me wrong. It is ok to be scared and vulnerable as sometimes the BEST things come out of that!  By YOU choosing this option you risk A LOT and guess what, it wasn't the only option! This option risked you losing me and that speaks volumes. I ended up getting hurt and it made me lose trust in you as a result. Still to this day I look at the moon and wonder if you are looking at it at that moment too. Wondering if you miss me or if you're relieved that I am out of your life! Wondering why you couldn't talk to me and why you didn't think any of this or us was worth talking about together! I still have the rocks and crystals you gave me. I look at them and smile as you gave them to me the second time we hung out! (Another 2 connection) I know how important they are to you and feel like a piece of you is still with me because of that. 

My point that I can not stress enough is that this should have been a live conversation.  A discussion between two individuals who shared an AMAZING two months together which I will never forget! I know I deserved that especially after everything we shared together. The universe puts people into our lives for a reason and I believe that with every part of me. Some people are permanent while others are more short term. You were short lived but lessons learned will always live with me. 

Before our rekindle, I had no desire to let someone in and enjoyed living life for ME soley! Despising everything to do with dating and content on the thought of possibly never finding someone. I worked so hard on myself over the past 14 years and LOVE the person I am! So much respect and value for myself that no one can ever break! I wear my crown high all day every day! I was scared that someone would break my heart and deep down I always knew putting myself out there could be worth the risk! I always say in life you have to take on big risks to receive big rewards! This experience reminded me that love from a partner, the right partner, is worth huge risks too! My take away and silver lining is I know I can open myself up to someone and I am ready to be loved by a partner! You were put into my life to heal me and show me I am one step closer to finding true love. I wasn't sure if it was still inside of me and now I know it has awoken.  I need and want a partner who embraces every single part  of me and always wants me in their life no matter what. One who understands how important communication is and that we can get through anything as long as we have each other! 

It just hit me, the 222 protection! My physic reading 2 years ago! She told me that I would find love and seeing the number 2 with someone from my past. “2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months and/or 2 years”. It took years for you to re-enter into my life from my reading, 2 months of us dating and 2 day intervals of your texts the last week of contact. WOW! It is crazy because I was falling for you - the person who was presented to me.

Thank you for the BEAUTIFUL & MEMORABLE times together! I still look back and smile when I think of them! I do believe the person, the version of you I witnessed, is your true self inside of you. I hope one day you realize that too and embrace him as YOU! The look in your eyes and your radiating smile assured me of that. Thank you for opening me back up again and allowing me to feel a connection. I never realized until our chapter closing that I was so standoffish about finding love. I am EMPOWER and READY FOR LOVE!

Now I have my closure and can walk away knowing I was my fully authentic self! This letter wasn't for you, it was for ME! 

Positive vibes all around!

All the best, 

Amanda 

I am NOT a perfectionist!

Recently I was asked to define myself and I started to list:

• Woman

• Bubbly

• Powerful

• Sexy

• Energetic

• Inspiring

• Motivating

• Single

• American

• Dancer

• Coach

• Instructor

....then stop at the word Perfectionist

I don't know why, but the word "Perfectionist" simply didn't sit well in my gut anyone and made me stop my list in its tracks. Searching for the true definition I found "a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection." Now that just seems like a huge burden to put on yourself. Who is to say what really is perfection and who is the one to set that high standard to aspire to? The more I thought about it, the more the term seemed to be geared towards a clutch and defense mechanism. Leading to if you aren't always striving to be flawless and perform to the utmost highest standard you are setting this unrealistic standard to than, you are failing.

GOSH, that simply has a crazy amount of anxiety written all over it... Not to mention, extremely stressful as you are constantly in competition to exceed this standard level and then forcing you to distract yourself from truly giving your full attention to the matter at hand since you are overwhelmed. Your focus gets redirected and your energy gets displaced towards negative outlets. Believe it or not, negative energy is more draining than positive. When you are providing uplifting endorphins you are fueling your body to be calm, relaxed, and at ease. When you focus on the negative you are creating this thick fog that pushes through so hard there is no room for anything but that negativity.

Your creativity is truly out the window and cripples yourself in only focusing on making it the "BEST" than giving yourself a fair chance to let your light shine out. It is an approval factor and a deeply rooted fear or insecurity you have within. Think about it, how have you ever not done something because you were worried it wasn't "perfect" or that if it wasn't done a certain way you would set yourself up for failure?

Ever not apply for a job because you felt you didn't have all the skills? Ever not leave a job because you didn't have the perfect plan in place? Ever not pitch a new idea because it was outside the box? Ever not wear an outfit because it wasn't in style? Ever not try something new because you had no experience in it? Not show up to an audition because you felt your audition piece wasn't ready? Decided not to move because the timing wasn't right?...the list continues!

How can you expect big rewards if you don't take risks? None of us were born with skills we have to create and earn them! In reality, we are not perfect and we make mistakes. The mistakes are what helps us to learn and grow. If we are so focused on being "perfect" how can we ever move past the humb to reaching for our true greatest selves? Eventually, if you don't come to terms with changing your mindset you may not take on risks to further your success because you rob yourself in thinking if I can't do it "perfect" then why even bother in the first place?

I feel it is so important to let go of the fear of rejection with first and foremost the valuation by others. Why are you letting someone dictate how you put yourself out there in the world? Next, the top priority, you need to let go of the daunting fear within yourself. It is ok to fall, mess up, and make mistakes! What really matters is how you move forward as a result. Do you let it defeat you and crawl into a shell of emotions OR dust yourself off with your head held high, nothing you can overcome anything you set your mind to!

As a dance and fitness instructor, when I first started teaching I thought I needed to nail everything and if it wasn't perfect no one would want to come to my classes. That was short-lived the second I taught my first class! No one wants a robot programmed teacher with no personality and passion who gets everything spot on. They want to see that you are human, humble, and that you are relatable! Heck I trip, I fall, I forget and have moments but that is what makes me a great instructor! I come prepared and trust that my body will guide me to lead an AMAZING class! Things happen and have then happened! Power outages, a speaker blows, and/or music not working which are uncontrollable, but how I react to those matters is what truly sets me apart from the rest. Those are the moments where I can prevail!

We need to remove the conditions that a perfectionist puts into this world! For example, if you do everything perfectly then people will like you. Reality not everyone is going to like you and you are not everyone's cup of tea which is OK! If you put your genuine authentic self into this world and give it your best effort, then the right people will come for YOU. You are what you put into the universe!

Flipside, the mind over matter mentality. If you believe you are a failure, then you will fail! On the other end, if you believe you can do anything and nothing can stop you then truly nothing will stop you! A positive mind equals a positive outcome always!

The take from this post, it is time to let go of old mentalities and start plugging in characteristics that don't hold you back. I want you to take a second to think of what are the traits that define you and see if you can put at least one positive notion behind to support why you feel it represents you. If there is a negative influence, think to yourself why and how can I move away from that reflection? This is the change and the change starts with you!

I stand her take proudly stating that I am NOT a perfectionist and will no longer let it hold me back from my true purpose in life! Bring on the bumps in the road that shape my beautiful journey!

Ghosted: "Mr. Cop"

One word... GHOSTED! UGH! 

This damn word makes me roll eye x100! If you aren't eye rolling yourself maybe it hasn't happened to you and THANK GOODNESS for that! 

Gosh, I wouldn't wish this on anyone as it is so cold and heartless! Quite frankly, it's pretty childish if you ask me! For those who don't know what this term means, I will shed some light. 

You are dating someone and everything is going great, then without a warning (instead of telling you they aren't interested or the real truth) they just disappear like a ghost without a trace for their own selfish reasons. Why can't guys grow a pair and just be REAL? I would have so much more respect for a dude if they were honest. Listen, I know I cannot be everyone's cup of tea (although I do love tea!) but that is no reason to play mind games.

AIGHT, NOW FOR THE TEA! Of course I got a story to share with you and OOO, IS IT A GOODIE! You may want to grab your favorite adult beverage of choice for this one as I was shocked even living it! 

So we are going to circle back to Fall of 2017. What a different life I lived, I was working full-time in corporate, plus on top of that worked a seasonal part-time job selling jewelry. Now that is all another story in itself, but I needed to set the tone for you! My manager at the jewelry company and I, lets call her Mia, became friends. That January I quit my corporate job to pursue my passions and get a more fulfilling life for myself. As a result, I let go of working at the jewelry company since it didn't work with my new schedule anymore, and still remained friends with Mia.

Around May, Mia asked me to go to the city with her, as she had a guy she wanted me to meet. Let's call this dude "Mr. Cop" since he is a police officer in Brooklyn. "Mr. Cop" is best friends with the guy Mia was dating at the time. Mia felt that we would have a good connection and figured since both guys were performing in a show in NYC that it would be the perfect opportunity to meet without pressure. If things didn't go well, no harm as more of her friends were coming along to see them perform. I thought what did I have to lose! I wasn't looking for anything but if a sparkle naturally happened I wouldn't be opposed. 

Gosh I remember that night to the T! I remember I wanted to dress casual but still cute! I wore a simple racer back white cotton tank top with ripped blue jeans, navy wedge converse, hair done with all loose big curly waves and of course had to top the outfit off with red lipstick! When we all arrived at the place, Mia introduced me to the guy she was dating. Now mind you, a bunch of other people were surrounding him. Yet my attention was drawn to this guy in a red Yankees baseball hat, red t-shirt and jeans with white Nike sneakers. He had this Italian/Latin look to him with dark features, plus he had a nice built on him (clearly he caught my eye). 

To my surprise, it was "Mr. Cop" and we INSTANTLY hit it off! The conversation was flowing and it just felt easy. I remember at the end of the night before we left I said to him "Are you going to take my number or not?" Wise choice, he took it and the texting began shortly after I left.

We would talk pretty much everyday either by text or on the actual phone (yes I am one of the few people who prefer actual phone calls rather than texting!) It was so nice getting to know him. Our first date was planned a week after meeting, but didn't end up happening. His sergeant on the day of our date unfortunately got hurt, and he went with his colleagues to Broolyn to visit him. Left me hanging throughout the day as if he would be back in time. I reached out after work and told him let's just reschedule as it was already after 5 p.m. 

If you are a New Yorker you know leaving Brooklyn at 5 p.m. means pack a bag, meal and snack because you won't be home for a while!

Of course I was disappointed and hopeful that it was the truth. Sometimes people make up stories to cover up the other agendas... I had been single for a long time and been on many dates - let's just say the stories are ENDLESS! Have you read my book, "Table for ONE Please?" Point of the story, I gave him the benefit of the doubt!

A few weeks went by and FINALLY we had our date! He wanted to surprise me where we were going so he picked me up from my house. Like a gentleman opened the car door for me, which I am not used to, but definitely love! You get serious brownie points for me when you do that! The little things are the extra things that mean the most. He took me to Bar Louie in Babylon and it was a blast! Great conversation, drinks were flowing and ended up back at his place! Yes it happened, and I am not ashamed of it. Listen this is a judgement free zone, and I am a grown-ass woman! I will just leave that there!

A week went by and we were still in contact and eagerly waiting when I could see him again. All signs were good until randomly the calls and texts just stopped! Out of nowhere all forms of contacts gone! I reached out twice and never heard from him. I even told Mia and she had no idea what happened either! I understand being a cop can be crazy BUT listen we all always have our phones on us. GOSH, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people don't answer my texts or return my calls.

Best believe I was disappointed! This was the first guy I gave a chance to after the burglary at my apartment, and it was a BIG DEAL! At the time I didn't have proof but I was confident that the guy I was dating at the time did it. Last December, I got my proof but regardless, opening up to someone wasn't easy for me! At first I was like was it me!? Normal reaction and seconds later I was like, HECK NO! Clearly something was going on but why couldn't be own up to it? 

Of course I continued to live my life thinking that was it for "Mr. Cop" until two years later, which brings us to November 2019 right around my birthday! Weeks before I found out the new evidence of my burglary and my car accident. 

I get a text from an unknown number...

"Hey Amanda, it is "Mr. Cop." I know it's been a while and not sure if you remember me, but I had to reach out. What I did to you was wrong and I am sorry for that. I was going through my own personal issues that had nothing to do with you. You didn't reserve to be treated that way as you are a great girl. I wanted to let you know I am sorry."

Are you staring at the screen with your mouth open too?! RIGHT!! RIGHT!!! RIGGGGHTTTTT! GO HEAD OPEN THAT OTHER BOTTLE!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT ISH!!! I'll give you a moment...

Somehow two years goes by, randomly still has my number and thinks to himself let me reach out to Amanda! Mind you, this was extremely noble and took a lot of courage! Not many people can own up to their mistakes and that I can appreciate. But still, I didn't see this coming at all! I don't know what came over me but I gained a little respect for him. I was SHOCKED! It took me a little, but I ended up replying that I appreciated his apology and that I was beyond MIND BLOWN to hear from him two years later! 

We started chatting and the connection arose again. Conversation was flowing and I felt a comfort in talking to him. With some thought, I ended up giving him a second chance as I wanted to believe him. He seems deeply sorry and the fact he felt the need to reach out spoke volumes. Due to both our hectic schedules, finding out the news about the burglary and then my car accident, we didn't even end up going on our date until Christmas time.

Again, he wanted to pick me up and asked if I liked sushi. I mean HELLO, I LOVE SUSHI! One of the ways to my heart. He picked Aji 53 which is one of my favorite sushi places. Major points for that! Once he picked me up we jumped into each other's arms. Oh, that hug had such much love, warmth and comfort. I felt it deep in my soul! I can always appreciate a great hug. We picked up right where we left off two years ago. He opened the door for me and we were off. 

Of course I had to tease him a few times about ghosting me, but he rolled with the punches! The conversation was flowing and everything was perfect. The night had to end early because he needed to pick up his cousin at JFK. He drove me back home and we hung out in front of my house in his car for a little. That whole looking into each other's eyes with that whole kiss thing that needs to happen, along with giggles and blah, blah, blah! You know what I am talking about here. It was a first kiss all over again. 

This song came on the radio something about I know you are hurt, but I'm going to be the one to change that! So cliche, I know, but I thought it was a sign.

That kiss! THAT KISS! It was so beautiful. And of course just as we were in full force make-out session, I hear someone pulling something around the car! "Mr. Cop" goes, "Who in the world is pulling a garage can around us? GUESS WHO IT WAS... MY MOM! I am crying mortified, and crying from laughing so damn hard! I felt like I was 16 and my mom caught us! Mind you I am 33 and found it HILARIOUS! 

The best part is when my mom realizes I was in the car she starts waving fast while smiling! It was PRICELESS! He got a good laugh out of it, too. I still bring it up to her from time to time as you can even plan that kind of stuff! So harmless, but of course that would happen. Our night ended with "Mr. Cop" saying "Am I going to see you again?" I replied "That is all up to you!" and he said "I will then see you very soon!" We parted ways and we started texting right away reliving the night.

At this point, everything is AMAZING! We are moving in the right direction for about a few weeks, and then he starts to get distant. I let it be as it's the holiday time and I knew he was putting in a lot of overtime. His birthday is the beginning of January, and I made sure to wish him a happy birthday at midnight because that's just what I do! I make a big deal of birthdays as everyone should feel special especially on their birthday. I write out this cute message to get a reply of "Lol thanks." Not exactly the reply I was hoping for, especially for someone I am dating or talking to (whatever term you use as I can't keep up).

Then I noticed he would reply a day or two after I sent a text and his replies were so brief. The phone calls stopped and I knew something was up. I let things marinate for a week to see how it played out and nothing! At that moment I refused to be ghosted again especially by the same person. I wanted an answer and he wasn't getting away with it again! 

On a Saturday at 6 p.m., I texted "Hey! I cannot help but shake that there is some distance between us. I hope everything is ok and would hope you would be real with me!"  He replied around 7  saying that he just got out of work and was tired. Then asked if we could talk tomorrow so he could give me his full attention. At that moment I knew he had to be seeing someone. If he was just busy he would have said it in that moment and then said we would talk tomorrow! I am not dumb. All I can say is EYE ROLL!

The next day rolls around with a text at 11 a.m. with normal chit chat. Kind of pissed me off as why are you continuing to leave me hanging. After an hour he says, "Oh and about your question..." Takes about 20 minutes to reply with, "I recently started talking with my ex again. Not sure where it is going but playing it by ear so I guess that's why I am distant." I go, "So define talking?" and he replies with "Well we were talking and then just randomly had sex."

Oh, sooo your dick randomly just slipped in! GOT IT! 

He continues to go on that he doesn't know what the deal is with them. I put the pieces together that they LITERALLY started "talking" the day after our date! Interesting to say the least. "Mr. Cop" continues to say that we can still hangout but he is still talking to her. Yeah, that isn't ok with me! Call me old fashioned, but if I am talking, dating, having sex or whatever you want to call it, it is just with one guy. I cannot juggle nor do I want to juggle. I am going to be 34 next month, and do not have time for mind games and all in-between. I am completely happy living my life for me and a guy is nearly a bonus! I don't need a man and most certainly will not be someone's second choice. I ended this nonsense the best way I knew how but quoting the UNSTOPPABLE force Lizzo by saying, "I am not a snack I AM THE WHOLE MEAL!" 

And that was the last of "Mr. Cop!"

What is obtained from this story is that it wasn't meant to be and that is ok! It shouldn't be this messy and there shouldn't be any doubt! Above all this is no reflection of who I am as a person! I was AMAZING before "Mr. Cop" and I am AMAZING if not even more without him in my life. 

Yes, we had some fun moments, but that is all it was! I understood that this situation wasn't right for me and grabbed my power and let it shine! YOU are ALWAYS in control and never settle for anything less than you deserve! Was the outcome disappointing? OF COURSE! But it brought no value to my life! The right person won’t make you feel any negative energy at all or pressure you in any regards! It will flow organically without any question or hesitation! 

The FANTASTICAL takeaway is that it isn’t YOU! When it doesn’t work out it is the universe’s way of protecting you by showing you they aren’t meant to be in your life! I mean THANK YOU UNIVERSE!

You are WORTHY, ALWAYS and never weaken your CROWN! Let it shine brighter than ever and know they aren’t strong enough to handle your CROWN!  Simply that is their problem and their loss! Show off how you are and be proud of it because you honey are EVERYTHING!

It's OKAY not to be OKAY

Hello, world! It’s ME, Amanda, and it’s time to have a heart to heart again! 

It’s been over two years since I wrote my last blog post and that is two years too long! For me, there is some form of comfort in writing as it releases my emotions/desires into the universe to then take action from it!

I know I can speak for many in that 2020 wasn't what we expected it to be, but I’m beyond grateful for the journey it has led me on. The growth comes between the negative entities that you can transfer into positive fuel to move forward with!

I ended 2019 with a bang, literally a BANG OF EMOTIONS! It all started when the universe literally wanted me to slow down and face demons I had been burying for so many years. The weight of my past traumas was pushed WAY beyond to the back burner granting me without any surface thoughts due to my busy hectic schedule. 

My WHY has always been and always will be to help people be their best selves and be truly happy with who they are! Yet the emotional baggage I was holding onto without even realizing was weighing down on me. It was completely unhealthy and ultimately holding me back from moving forward to be my best self! Subconsciously, I held onto the grief of not forgiving myself for traumas that happened to me that were out of my control.

In December, I was a survivor of a bad car accident and I am blessed to be here and to tell my story. Along with past injuries, I obtained new injuries that truly tested all of ME and beyond! I was scared and lost but knew I would get through it. Heck, when I was 19, I learned how to walk and dance again after back surgery! I had to believe in myself more than ever! 

Although on top of that, there was new evidence brought to my attention from a burglary that happened to my home five years ago. This reassured me that the person who I thought did it, in-fact did the crime! Seeing pictures of past belongings wasn’t easy. The occurrence left me feeling emotionally raped for a long time and left the burden on myself without even realizing I was. It felt like such a weird outer box experience having evidence of the truth of that day. I felt like I was looking down on myself in the moment rather than being there in the moment.

I became mad at myself all over again and realizing this was deeper than I imagined! I felt broken especially because my body just hurt, I was unable to dance and move to express myself and release what I was feeling! 

Teaching my classes was my only sanity and I did it for my community! It was the only time that nothing else matters and I felt at home! When I wasn’t teaching, I was miserable! I cried all the time and barely did my hair, makeup or got dressed in my normal clothes. Not to mention, nothing felt comfortable on me. Throwing in the towel and knowing I needed help to be me again, I resorted to seeing a therapist. I believe therapy is such a beautiful and powerful resource! To have someone solely to be for you and guide you find the answers for you and move on. To give clarity and address matters to be our best selves! I knew I couldn’t help anyone if my own tank wasn’t full!

I went to therapy for a few months and then the pandemic hit. I had come to terms that I needed to heal Amanda before Amanda Fantastic could be there for the world! 

The pandemic forced me to sit in my feelings and understand that it was time to forgive myself! To let go of all the hurt, pain, loss and violation and focus on the fact that I’m here! 

I’m here and more than ok! I literally spent days starring in the mirror saying, “Amanda I forgive you” while crying my eyes out until I believed it, until I was able to hug myself to grow and move on! 

My closure is my chance to live my life and the person who did it has to live with their life which is not my problem or concern. In wasn’t until June when I took a step back from everything, I was FINALLY able to closure a long chapter and focused on healing my body to take on beautiful new chapters that I been eagerly waiting for the opportunity to partake in!

Life is completely different than the start of 2020 but what I gained from it is so valuable! I can only speak for myself and know I am a lucky one! With the past in the past, I accomplished things I been putting off to the side because of time and other excuses that were purely excuses. During these past months I became Amanda again; a more refined stronger Amanda. I wouldn’t change that for the world! 

Plus I got creative by creating a new program, Fantastic Sass, becoming a Certified 305 Fitness instructor and a Certified Happiness Life Coach! All I can say is I AM SO BEYOND PROUD OF MYSELF!

To sum this up, YOU can do ANYTHING you set your mind too!! Asking for help is not a sign of weakness rather the most courageous thing you can do for yourself! YOU are ALWAYS WORTH the time, energy and investment! Happiness comes for you and only YOU can grant that for yourself! 

It’s okay not to be okay, and not have everything together all the time. We are humans and sometimes we need to have empathy on ourselves. It’s ok to not have all the answers!  As long as you know you are HERE, your purpose in this world will ALWAYS be STRONG and will find your way!

No More Red Lipstick

This is a very special post! It is my official first blog post as Amanda Fantastic! Only way to describe it...liberating!

For almost 3 years I went by the name, Red Lipstick! I didn’t admit it at the time or even truly realize why I did it to be real with you. I felt that since I revealed so much of myself in my book that I want to have something for myself and that was my real name. Yes, it's just a name but so much more if behind that. Hmmm, little did I know it stemmed from a deeper root. Granted I was working in corporate America at the time, a link to a book about dating and the crannies behind the scenes would have probably have had me fired! Deep down, I was scared what people would think of me! I’m only human and just started accepting and embracing my self worth. I wasn’t strong enough to take the negative feedback as when you put yourself out there people sometimes, well more so than none (let’s be serious), try to bring you down. As a result, without realizing I hid my true identity and my full face from the world. The years would go back and I found it harder and harder to connect to this alter ego. I took myself out of the dating world and focused on making my life the best it could be. Not to mention, I didn't even wear red lipstick anymore. See, I wore Red Lipstick when I went on dates to give me extra confidence yet I found I didn't need it anymore. This stage wasn’t easy as I had to come to terms that I was in a different place than many people surrounding me and that was ok. My life became less worry about getting married and motherhood rather how can I make myself happy?! Gosh, 9 years single now and doesn't phase me in the least! Spent a lot of time soul searching and testing out the waters to truly see what put a smile on my face. Eliminated people from my life that didn’t fuel me in the direction I wanted for myself. Especially after I got robbed (story for another day). Sometimes people aren’t meant to be in your life forever rather to grant you the experience to spark another chapter. For that, I am thankful for! I even create a 30 before 30 list to expose myself to 30 new things before I turned 30! Now, talk about purely doing something to embrace yours sole! I felt so alive doing each of those 30 things!

Looking back, 31 was my changing point. This year has truly been my year! Quitting my job and taking a leap of faith on something that felt right with every part of me! Working with kids which I never knew/thought I would get such joy out of teaching them dance! It isn’t just dance, it’s someone who cares and someone who believes in them! Their smiles mean it all! Taking on little projects to keep myself busy now! From my Heel Dance Class, to being Certified a KerboomKa Instructor, to becoming a self love advocate, to re-launching my book “Table for One Please”, to blogging again and finally to simply being Amanda Fantastic!

Every single moment, the good, the bad and the ugly has brought me to here! A place where I FINALLY can be me without any doubt or hesitation! I am honored to have people in my life who inspire me, push me, understand me and fuel me to help me along this journey. Understand, this woman was always inside of me just needed the right time to come out to the world! Everything does happen for a reason and need to trust the process. A year ago even 7 months ago, I never would have imagined this would be my life now! Living my dream and being Amanda Fantastic...I am speechless! (Well, I found some words! ha) This is the beginning of a new chapter that I have no idea what is going to happen next! All, I know is, it’s not going to be easy but will be worth it! I leave you today with my favorite saying I love to say, be the butterfly in the world that brings beauty by simply being yourself!