Dear YOU

Dear YOU,

I understand that you made the decision to make a text your outlet to speak your truth, but now it’s my turn to take my POWER back and speak MY TRUTH!

I am still trying to process a text that changed it all. How can the person who has full force been a part of my life COMPLETELY for almost 2 months be the same person who wrote such a heartbreaking text just 9 days ago!? How it can it go from, "You are my future and everything I have been dreaming of" to “We are too different”? Not even a conversation, just a text that allows no room for discussion or commutation. Leaving me stifled, disappointed, unsettled, blinded and simply heartbroken! 

On the flip side I do give you credit in that you didn't ghost me and shared your personal inner struggles you are trying/dealing with. That does speak volumes and understand in the same respect that it wasn’t easy to do so. I do believe you are a good person, but I cannot deny that it hurt me in how it was handled. You didn't just date yourself and feel it should have been a two sided in person conversation. One that we discussed, evaluated and were able to move forward with a resolution that we both felt was best together.

I spent 4 days consuming my time trying to be supportive of you and be there for you when your work was so overwhelming that it consumed you to go "dark" on me out of nowhere. Not being an anxious or overwhelmed person, I was trying to have empathy for you. Checking in once a day to let you know I am here and behind you every step of the way. Making sure you knew I was still into us 100%. Putting my feelings aside, respecting that you were telling the truth that it was genuinely solely work that had been overbearing for you. Granted I work 6/7 days a week and my free time is extremely limited, sending a text takes two seconds. A simple "Hey! I am having a crazy day again but wanted to wish you a great day! Talk soon!" is what you do when someone is important to you. Especially so early on. You didn't do that at all! I knew something wasn’t right with us but tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I held back from saying something to not add anymore stress to you because I cared about you. Your first 2 days you replied hours later after my check in text with something that felt cold and then didn't answer for 2 days until your final text. I am not dumb; when you want someone in your life, it doesn't matter how damn busy you are, you find the time. Not to mention being with someone means you work together when things get hard and would want them there for support. You pushed me away and it was all about YOU!

How could something that was so real, pure and natural be left with you weren’t being your "authentic self"? I don’t know what is more disheartening - that you couldn’t be honest with me, that it could possibly have all been a lie,that you decided you made a decision for me or that you just don't know me at ALL! What was real and what was disingenuous?

How could you tell someone:

“You are my dream girl.”

“I've been manifesting you.”

“I know it’s soon but I see you in my future.”

“I never smile in pictures but you make me smile.”

"I want to make you smile and love making you smile." 

“I never felt this way before.”

“The first time you texted me I saw a shooting star.”

“We are connected and on the same page.”

"Not pushing or saying anything about the possibility of the future but a lot of it aligns for us so far."

“Felt like your body told me what to do.”

“I know it’s soon but I’m falling for you.” 

Followed by, "I wasn’t my 'authentic self'.” Are you FRICKEN KIDDING ME!? Claiming I “shot my shot” when in fact you pursued me! You knew “the moment I laid eyes on you I knew you were something special." Remembering everything about me, what I say and even what I wore to a tee when you met me initially 13 years ago! So grateful we reconnected now because you weren’t in a good place then and such a better person now! Working towards your purpose of helping people which aligns with my same purpose! Yet your text conflicts with “my personality bringing a healed side of you that isn’t fully there." Call me crazy but isn’t one of the greatest gifts of being with someone having them influence you to be your best self?

I followed your lead and trusted the person who was presented to me! A person who the signs and universe were directing me to with full force! The 347 connection is not only our birthdays but brought more meaning to our first kiss! Not to mention the 222! HELLO that wasn’t a coincidence! The sparkle and magic that grew EVERY SINGLE TIME we kissed and even when you simply held my hand. How you always touched my thigh when you were next to me, especially in the car - I got butterflies! How you opened the car door for me. Paid attention to the little details! Even when I said there was condensation on my water bottle - without hesitation you grabbed a napkin to stop it. A sense of home and safety in your arms. Your forehead kisses made me feel protected! Your “Good Morning baby” texts were the HIGHLIGHT of my day! Brought a smile to let me know I was the first thing you thought of when you woke up. Meeting your family after two weeks of dating and saying how you never bring girls home (Another 2 connection). Feeling like I belonged and a part of your family! Never a doubt and never a question that you were all about me and it was something REAL! I am left wondering was all that an act or genuine actions? 

I wasn't in this alone and it's really selfish to solely think of yourself in this matter. You claim that I wouldn't accept you for who you are based on out-of-context discussions and assuming I would judge you because I am "different from you." In fact this proves you didn't know me at all. Actions speak louder than words and that is a reflection of the confidence within yourself.  I have no doubt in my mind that if you would have had a normal adult in-person conversation things would have taken another path. Yes we are different and I thought that was INCREDIBLE! We aren't the same people and that is what makes us who we are and something to be valued! It is ok not to be the same. My closest friends are in completely different stages of their lives than me and we don't enjoy all the same hobbies/interests. The main important entity is the bonuses we bring to each other's lives and embrace, support & value each other! Yet on the flip side you failed to realize we do have common grounds such as our corny personalities, interest in traveling the world, sharing the same purpose in life, having similar values/thoughts about religion & life in general. (Remember your face lit up with happiness when we spoke about this!) I cannot move past the fact that you made assumptions about me and how I would react to items that aren't part of my own lifestyle, hobbies and interests. I am upset & taken back that you would ever think I would judge you. Instead you judged me and that demeans my character as a person. 

I am always open to learning about new things as with knowledge I could have a new appreciation for it. It may not be my thing but doesn't mean I wouldn't support your passions and beliefs - as those are yours! When you are with someone you expose yourself to new things that make your partner happy. Heck, you may grow to enjoy it too! Love is the selfless act to make your partner happy! You never know it could have grown into something you learn and explore together! The beauty of being in a relationship among many other aspects of it. 

I appreciate you sharing your most recent trauma and although I never experienced that exact insistence I have empathy for your situation. We all have relationship/dating traumas and it sucks! As difficult as those experiences are, what matters the most is how you react, learn, grow and move forward! Being burned is a hard pill to swallow and never goes away; you just adapt to a different mindset with it to go on. I myself had walls up before I started dating you from my past and extremely protective of my heart. I get it isn't easy to talk about but if you were still freshly healing why never bring it up? I am not one to ask about people's past relationships because it is in the past and has nothing to do with me. I am not your exs and you are not my exs! The difference is I pushed all that aside because I felt something real and followed my heart! There is never a perfect time for anything but when it's right you just know and there is nothing that can stop you! If you weren't ready, why did you ask me out? You said, and I quote, "What are your plans this weekend? I would really enjoy meeting this fantastic version of Amanda." You shot the shot.

My gut is screaming that you are scared and weren't ready for the side of you that I brought out within you. Scared of what was going on and what we could have become. We got serious extremely quick but we both played a role in that. It felt right and I don't regret that. All I have to go off of is my gut and it has never steered me wrong. It is ok to be scared and vulnerable as sometimes the BEST things come out of that!  By YOU choosing this option you risk A LOT and guess what, it wasn't the only option! This option risked you losing me and that speaks volumes. I ended up getting hurt and it made me lose trust in you as a result. Still to this day I look at the moon and wonder if you are looking at it at that moment too. Wondering if you miss me or if you're relieved that I am out of your life! Wondering why you couldn't talk to me and why you didn't think any of this or us was worth talking about together! I still have the rocks and crystals you gave me. I look at them and smile as you gave them to me the second time we hung out! (Another 2 connection) I know how important they are to you and feel like a piece of you is still with me because of that. 

My point that I can not stress enough is that this should have been a live conversation.  A discussion between two individuals who shared an AMAZING two months together which I will never forget! I know I deserved that especially after everything we shared together. The universe puts people into our lives for a reason and I believe that with every part of me. Some people are permanent while others are more short term. You were short lived but lessons learned will always live with me. 

Before our rekindle, I had no desire to let someone in and enjoyed living life for ME soley! Despising everything to do with dating and content on the thought of possibly never finding someone. I worked so hard on myself over the past 14 years and LOVE the person I am! So much respect and value for myself that no one can ever break! I wear my crown high all day every day! I was scared that someone would break my heart and deep down I always knew putting myself out there could be worth the risk! I always say in life you have to take on big risks to receive big rewards! This experience reminded me that love from a partner, the right partner, is worth huge risks too! My take away and silver lining is I know I can open myself up to someone and I am ready to be loved by a partner! You were put into my life to heal me and show me I am one step closer to finding true love. I wasn't sure if it was still inside of me and now I know it has awoken.  I need and want a partner who embraces every single part  of me and always wants me in their life no matter what. One who understands how important communication is and that we can get through anything as long as we have each other! 

It just hit me, the 222 protection! My physic reading 2 years ago! She told me that I would find love and seeing the number 2 with someone from my past. “2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months and/or 2 years”. It took years for you to re-enter into my life from my reading, 2 months of us dating and 2 day intervals of your texts the last week of contact. WOW! It is crazy because I was falling for you - the person who was presented to me.

Thank you for the BEAUTIFUL & MEMORABLE times together! I still look back and smile when I think of them! I do believe the person, the version of you I witnessed, is your true self inside of you. I hope one day you realize that too and embrace him as YOU! The look in your eyes and your radiating smile assured me of that. Thank you for opening me back up again and allowing me to feel a connection. I never realized until our chapter closing that I was so standoffish about finding love. I am EMPOWER and READY FOR LOVE!

Now I have my closure and can walk away knowing I was my fully authentic self! This letter wasn't for you, it was for ME! 

Positive vibes all around!

All the best, 

Amanda